If you’ve been following my blog (or know me personally), you know I’m not a person who let’s stress take over their emotions often. However, I’m human and some situations can sometimes make me forget how to manage the emotions best because the universe can suck and really hand you some curveballs.
I have consciously made a decision to work in a field where my job is to help provide comfort and care to families of medically fragile children. Thankfully, most of my days are filled with happiness and celebrations for the milestones achieved by the incredible medical team that is taking care of these very special families. But there are days that are awful, days that are sad and days that can make you very mad at the universe. It’s a part of what I do, and I’ve learned to manage those days well.
However, nothing can really prepare you for hearing the news that the person who is sick is someone who you care about and I had a weekend the other day where I received the news that it wasn’t just one person but it was three devastating diagnoses. I found my anger building slowly all weekend. It conjured up a lot of emotions and memories of a friend who lost her battle to this disease 2 years ago. How I chose to deal with that surge of sadness and anger surprised me.
As most people probably do, I would often turn to a source of comfort to try and lessen the sting. This would often translate in to a tasty dessert, a crazy delicious but not healthy meal or an alcoholic beverage. But I didn’t want any of these this time around. I was mad and knew that if I went my normal route, I would be even more pissed that I had also affected my weight loss progress.
So I turned to my favorite hobby. I walked around my house looking for a craft project I could complete. This is no small fete in the craft wasteland of my second bedroom. I have LOADS of supplies and several unfinished projects. Each would take too much time and I just needed to shake this off.
I knew that I had a workout to complete on my own, so I reached out to Ray to find out what he wanted me to work on. You can imagine my frustration when he said he was giving me the night off to rest my joints! I mean it was almost comical that I found myself upset that I didn’t even have a workout to do. I needed something else to be pissed about, and I realized I wanted that to be some sort of evil exercise.
So I took matters in to my own hands and I got on the treadmill. While it made me sweat, it didn’t help me shake off the emotional baggage so I did something I never thought I would do on my own….BURPEES!
I made myself do 1, then 2, then 3….until I reached 15. I was pissed as I got down on the floor each time and eventually just started to channel my anger on completing the number I had set in my head. I used my frustration to power me through my most hated exercise and it felt good. When I finished the 15, I had to take some time to catch my breath and then I realized what I had just done.
All I could do was giggle because the whole thing was so ludicrous but yet so right. I have three women in my life who are fighting for their lives, so it’s only fair that I do the same and not take for granted that I have an opportunity here to give myself the best chance at a long life. My few minutes of discomfort will never compare to their journey but it finally let me shake off the rut I had found myself in so that I could instead focus on how I wanted to support them.
At the end of the day, my anger was stupid. I won’t negate that I have a right to feel angry or sad but their battle is not about me, and I will not be a good source of comfort to them if I let my emotions make me feel like the universe is being unfair to me. I am able bodied and “healthy” enough to do what I can to support them. However, I just may need to knock out a few burpees from time to time because cancer fucking sucks.