I know I’ve slowed down a bit lately. You’ve all been great about following this crazy story and I really do get energized and motivated from your comments. So first I’ll start off by saying thank you.
My air conditioning unit died last week, so Charlie cat and I had to commute from my folks’ house in the suburbs of Chicago. How did that impact my posts? Well my daily commute more than doubled, so I had to do my workouts in the evening alone.
And I am super thankful that I have earned the right to tell Ray that I can’t meet with him over Skype on some days. He doesn’t really flinch (I think) when my non-workout world gets in the way because he knows I’ll honor my promise to complete the workout on my own. We’ve hit a nice stride in the trust department. So thank you for that, Ray!
But yesterday…Ray unknowingly tested my boundaries.
I promised I would always be honest so here it goes. I know this is going to open up a conversation this week which is almost making me not publish this post, but I promised to express my journey in all its pretty, ugly or funny formats. I was going to be truthful because I know there are others who are feeling the same way and I hope it helps you process these types of insecurities faster than I can currently process them.
Yesterday, Ray pushed my comfort zone to a place I wasn’t quite ready to go yet. I’m still not that comfortable with it, but I’m trying to get there.
So what happened? During our workout session, Ray started taking photos of his computer screen. I assumed he was taking snaps to show me my progress some time in the future so I didn’t even think anything of it. I told him jokingly to stop, but I honestly didn’t care because I thought these photos for us.
FOR OUR EYES ONLY
Well imagine my surprise when I’m about to get in to my car and see that I’m tagged on a particular social media platform post. The last thing I expected to see when I opened the app were shots from my morning’s workout! (You’ll notice I’m not linking the source.) I was both mortified and a bit pissed, and I’m still a bit a mortified.
So I needed to a do a gut check before I responded to anything.
Why was I mortified and pissed? Ray wasn’t insulting me. He wasn’t making fun of me. He was actually praising my hard work! He was using my hard work as a source of motivation for me and for all of you who have started following my journey. I’ve had so many people share that I have somehow become a source of inspiration for them (which still baffles me). The symbolism of his post was to show anyone that they can do this. The message was that simple and honest, but my emotional reaction to it all rattled me.
I was forced to see the things I didn’t and don’t want to see – things I have pretended didn’t exist. Heck, isn’t this the reason I haven’t focused on my fitness for the majority of my life?
I don’t want to see the fat rolls.
I don’t want to see myself struggling.
And I REALLY don’t want everyone else to see any of the above!
I wasn’t ready for my “reality” to be all out there yet. Why? It embarrasses me for the same reasons that I keep my weight private – only three people know my starting weight for this journey (only three…and TWO of those individuals are physicians).
I honestly don’t even know if I’ll ever reach a point where I’ll talk freely about the embarrassing scale number or not. All I know now is that talking about it publicly makes me extremely uncomfortable. I mask my insecurities by lovingly calling myself the fat girl or saying that I am extra special because I have so many more areas to love. But this body isn’t something I want to celebrate yet…it’s not what I want to see in the mirror every day.
So as proud as I am about the 30 days of commitment so far, I am still completely insecure about what my body looks like when working out. So I was really thrown off by having that reality smack me in the face with his post.
Ray was sincerely celebrating my hard work, and it took me a hot minute to understand my insecurities for where they are, and to be okay with this video being out there.
But I still hate watching it.
I’ve responded to some of the encouraging comments on it, but I seriously cringe every time it pops up in my feed – even more so when others tag me on it again and again. Every single time it’s front in center on my computer or phone, it makes my stomach sink. I’m sure I could ask him to take it down but I won’t. This insecurity…this reality…it’s a part of why I haven’t given up yet.
So I just need to leave it out there and try to accept its purpose and existence.
But it’s hard because it doesn’t really make me feel good watching it – even though it should.
Maybe one day I will feel proud watching it…but I’m SOOO not there yet.
SPECIAL NOTE: I have no issue with the photos being taken. Ray has my permission to use my name, my progress and my images. I just wasn’t prepared for the emotional response to this specific type of photo.